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figuring it out

i want to stop talking around the bush and i want to get results like all of us so i have decided to cut my self from some sources....
so i will update as soon as possible

Lost in words...

Right now I'm trying to figure a few things out. I think I just want to be alone for a few days then I will return and post more.
I have been binging these days and I had gotten down to 106lbs but now I'm back to 111lbs. I dont know what happened.....all those days of fasting down the drain. I dont know how to pick myself back up and I will make it. I just need a push...
loving u all,

Fasting...

I think the real reason I only lost two pounds from my five day fast was that I was eating breakfast. I'm not sure though or either its because my body doesn't lose lbs as fast as it gains. Whatever. my mom is getting suspicious from the five day fast that I just got through. So yesterday I ate and ate in front of her. I think she's not suspicious anymore but today my sister and I are going to see the movie 'Lakeview Terrace' and she always takes us out to eat afterwards. I don't know how I'm going to get out this unless I can just start my new 2 day fast tomorrow. I'm not sure I just want to lose all this flab so fast.......and my brother-in-law is so conceited because he is skinny and he makes such rude comments like "oh don't give that to her she's fat enough; oh my God look at you arm it jiggles and look at mine...se? no jiggle at all." Last night I was showing him the song 'Dance me if you can' from the Cheetah Girls One World movie(it happens to be showing on t.v when he was eating dinner) and instead of going like "oh they are in India" or something like" oh shit they are in India" or"They dance nice" he ends up saying"oh look, fat girl dancing." I hope he gains like 30 or 40 lbs and then he will know what the feeling of insecurity is like. Th worst part is that my sister doesn't even stop him from making those hurtfull comments.

so far good

today is day 5 and i cant believe i've made it this far!i thought that the farthest i'll get is 3 days but i'm surprised by my own will power.
anyways i dont know if any of u guys or girls know about the secret? i mean the law of attraction? there's a movie and a book called
"The Secret" and I have read and seen it before but yesterday I thought I needed to see the movie again and after seeing the movie it really made me think what I was putting myself through and if I really deserve this life. I could have so much more planned out for me but instead I choose to sit here writing about my"fast".

If u are not aware of the law of attraction please check it out and it wont be a waste of your time. Its called the secret because it is the secret to life and you...think about it....


here it is.....

So here it is. My fast. I wake up to go to school and have breakfast. Thats important for me because I know that its the most important meal of the day and that a human body needs food to survive so I eat that and then the rest of the day its just liquids that go in my mouth. This is day two and my mom made my favourite dish today and I'm smelling it, seeing it and hearing it on my brothers plate but I cant eat. I have to be strong!

I need to go shopping so bad but my mom somehow has the idea that I have alot of clothes which is so wrong! I fit in pant size 25 which is 1 in U.S but I want to be a 24 so bad.....its deppressing. I have to do it fast though because I dont want to be known as the new outfit repeater and at the same time I dont want to hurry and shop right now only to get size 25 jeans. I dont know how long it will take me to lose all this fat. I just need to get to my gw2-90 and then get to my dream weight, 85lbs!


courage


I always look at the pictures of girls with bodies that are drop dead gorgeous and I wonder why i did this to myself? why did I let myself turn this way? I'm trying so hard mentally but not physically to help myself.....the sensation of food always calms me and when I cant even get that its hard for me to tell reality from fantasy. I'm listening to the song courage by superchick and it tells my story so here it is... When will I get to the point where I will stop and be happy?

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
no one saw through my games
I know the right words to say like
" I dont feel well; I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
and for am moment I am happy
But when I'm alone...no one hears me cry
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting
to walk towards the lightI need you to know
that we'll be okay
together we can make it
through another day

Think. Look. Decide.

no so good

i have not been following what I had planned and i am so pissed at myself for it.
i just cant stop and my mom keeps making my favorite dihes and im
so sick of my weak will power. when i look at the calender it hits me so hard in the face because i atually see all the months that i have been trying and i have made  no success.
tomarrow thats it...i will prove to myself that i can do it.
my goal is 85lbs. right now im 5'3 and 108lbs. i know its so gross....
im trying but not hard enough. i have to go and do laundry now and then do some dance rehearsals. tomarrow i have to go to a party hopefully i can act like im eating .....when the fuck am i ever going to get 85lbs?

figuring it out

I'm still trying to figure out its possible that I'm doing so much and am not getting results...
I think maybe it means I need to try harder. You ever get that voice in your head that says that start a crash diet tommarrow and eat like crazy today! well mine is saying that and I'm trying so hard to resist. Maybe some thinspiration will do it. You should go to youtube and check out the song 'courage'. totally explains me and most of our situations...

blank

All day in school I was hungry but there are so many girls in my school that are like 00 and I get motivated by them to be strong and I can do it. Plus theres this really cute boy in  my global class that keeps staring at me so I felt like looking good today and I had to ride the bus back with him today. Maybe 2marrow I'll try and say something to him. And what a coincidence that when we were grading papers in my class I happen to get his paper. He got a 140! What a smart ass! Cut with brains just how I like them!

I think my weight went down but I wont check as yet. Maybe give it a few days and I think listening to The Beatles helps because they make you feel like your in their time where all they did was get high!
oh yeah

im stuck

Today I weighed myself even though I told myself i would do it every Thursday. I'm addicted to that scale and i want to stop being discouraged by a stupid scale....i have a lot of h.w and i want to finish it fast so i could burn some calories by cleaning the house. i should think that will help.

yesterday my best friend and i got into a whole big fight about how my vision of beautiful is so wrong. yeah its easy for her to say that because she is stick thin naturally. i hate how i look when we both go and hang out...i look like an damn fat ass walking next to a toothpick. i know she wants the best for me but i really wish that she could understand that i wasn't born thinking this way..i don't think any of us were but its the perspective that we look the world from..the way our family explains beautiful and what we see others having is beautiful to us. everyone has body issues but for us its different only because we are friends with ana.

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pleezdieana
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